Letters to Lee - Lee Stones
Lee Stones is the regional consultant for the Ontario Strategy to Combat Elder Abuse. She has written advice columns for senior publications for 15 years.
June 2010
Dear Lee: My daughter and son-in-law moved out west last year with my two teenage grand-daughters. My other daughter has one son who is nine and twins who are going to be thirteen this fall. They now live in northern California where my daughter practices medicine. I am blessed to have four healthy and delightful grandkids. They come to visit every summer and I alternate going to see them each at Christmas and Easter. We keep in touch by phone but I feel sort of on the edge of their busy lives. Each year they live away they seem more and more independent and I feel less connected to them all. I have a full life here and lots of relatives and friends but I sure miss the grand children. I have toyed with the idea of buying a computer, however, I am over seventy. The kids make it look easy, my niece says she’ll teach me how, but I do not want to put out a lot of money and find I am too slow to pick it up. She showed me pictures on her Face book yesterday and it was great to see them with their friends. If I do learn, the kids might think what I write about is corny or un-cool ; they might just answer me to be dutiful and polite. I really want to stay in their lives, what’s a granny to do?
Dear Granny: I would bet there are quite a few seniors who aren’t on the Internet yet and don’t have access to email and Face book…but seniors are the fastest growing age group going on the Internet. You are never too old to learn new things, never. It’s intimidating, it’s scary to some of us, but hey, you can do it and you need to do it. It’s a major way of keeping in contact with family in this day and age. Ask yourself this question: If you were thirty, would you learn to go on the computer? Sure you would! Being seventy or eighty is no reason not to grab the brass ring, not to take a chance, not to grow. The stakes are high -communication with those kids you love so much… think of all you’ll miss out on if you let your hesitation stop you. You can buy a computer in a small notebook size now for less than three hundred dollars and printers are cheap. Hustle down to Staples with your niece, spend a day or two getting to know the ropes and voila, you’ll be not just hooked up, you’ll be hooked. The Internet is like having a library in your own home, plus you can really connect with people, not just your beloved grandkids.As to the kids answering you just to be polite, that’s another story. We need to get into their “modern day” world if we are going to get into their “space.” I’d suggest you ask them what movies they are into, what books they are reading, what on-line games they might be playing, where they like to hang out, what they are involved in at school, and after school. Make it all about them. Do a lot of “virtual listening” and look up web sites that might be about the things they are excited about. Don’t tell stories about when you were young and go on about the past, unless they specifically ask you to. Never talk about feeling sick, or mention chronic pain or start complaining about life. Be current, be positive (even if you have to fake it.) They will think you are fun, just the greatest, even more so than they do now. It can open whole new doors for them…and for you. Go granny! And email me when you’re on-line.
P.S. Please join me at 55 plus centre on June 23rd. at 2 p.m. for launch of our new seniors blog. P.P.S. Don’t forget Seniors Walk on June 15th! Come walk with us!
May 2010
Dear Lee:
I am working part-time, 3 days and one evening weekly. I could retire, we can afford for me to, however, I really enjoy my career. My husband, who is nine years older than me, retired several months ago. He has never been handy around the house but his job was extremely stressful; he worked long hours, so I didn’t make an issue about his not helping. It meant I was doing 90% of the chores. He did and still does the snow clearing and the grass cutting and puts garbage out once a week. That is it. I get home from work and have to cook dinner, clean up after and do everything else. He leaves the bed unmade, his dishes in the sink and spends his time golfing and fishing all year and hangs out at Robins with his buddies. I have asked him to help but he never “gets around” to it. I resent having to do the bulk of things, I feel it’s unfair. On top of that, he complains that I am not as romantic nowadays and there is tension between us. We have been married twenty five years and things aren’t like I thought they’d be at this stage of our lives. Am I being unreasonable?
Answer:
Sorry to hear things are not so pleasant for you these days. You are the fourth spouse who has come forward with this issue lately. Three were wives, but one was a husband whose had retired and his wife expected him to take over all the cooking, etc. now that he was “free” all day. What we have going on here is, as far as I can tell, are some serious communication break-downs. When we get older and our lives change because we both retire, or one of us does, we HAVE to renegotiate things. What is critical is for things to be fair and for each of us to be open to changing things - from how they used to be done – to how things can work out so that both parties are happy. Traditional roles are evolving; modern day spouses have every right to feel a partnership will reflect a balance that suits both partners. Starting with the premise that you love each other, and want to continue to grow old together in a mutually caring relationship, you need to talk about how things will play out from here on in. Maybe you hire a cleaning service to come in once or twice a month or maybe you make a list of chores and divide them up equitably, maybe you lower some standards and expectations, maybe you eat out more. Do whatever it takes to make it work. Your marriage is the most important thing - so communicate well folks. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes to be as unbiased as possible, but don’t be a doormat either. Remember, with love and true respect, all things are possible.
Note to readers: Please mark on your June calendars. that June 15th is the Seniors Rock walk at 55 Plus Centre. We had 700 folks there last year, to show respect for seniors. Come on Thunder Bay, let’s make it 800! Let’s show the rest of Ontario how we do it in the north! See you there
April 2010 Dear Lee: I am reasonably healthy and in my late seventies; I have lived alone since my husband passed on. I have a house that is far too big for one person to manage. I am thinking of selling the house and moving into a retirement home. Dealing with the lawn and gardens and snow clearing etc. is becoming very stressful. I swore I would never move from here. My home means a lot to me – as do all my treasures - but I think the time has come to make some difficult decisions. My nephew is in real estate and will do a good job of selling but …I have no idea if I would like living in a retirement home. What about if I sell everything and then go into a home and don’t like it there? On a logical level, I realize moving is a good plan, but on an emotional level, I am really anxious that it would make me miserable. My family has offered to help me if I decide to move, which is a comfort. Worrying about this is causing me sleepless nights. How do you choose a good retirement home, what should I look for? I have numerous questions about it all; this is a major turmoil for me. I need advice – please tell me what you think. Answer: It is indeed a huge issue. Only you can decide however there are ways to lower the stress and hopefully make choices that will be best for you. There are 4 retirement homes currently in Thunder Bay. Call 211 and they can provide you with their names and phone numbers. Contact them, have them send you their information. Then line up appointments with as many of them as you are interested in seeing. With Thunder Bay being so easy to get around in, the location is important but not critical. Ask lots of questions about the full cost of living in each home, what services they provide, what happens if you get sick once you are living there etc. Make a long list of everything you can think of. Perhaps go to the homes for several visits. Talk to others living there, maybe have lunch or tea a few times. You might even see if you can stay for a weekend to get a feel for the place. It’s a big decision and should not be made in a hurry, or because you feel pressured in any way. You didn’t buy your home on a whim, you most likely looked around quite a lot and put considerable time into making the right choice. You should do no less with choosing where you will live, if you sell your house. If your health stays good, you could well be living in a retirement home for many years to come. It should be one you will enjoy, feel supported in, and one where you make friends and enjoy a long, and happy home. With as much information as possible, you are far likelier to make the best choice for you. Do write and let me know how this all works out. I wish you all the best in your quest in finding a new place which really suits you.
Special note to Bronnis, our neighbour, and to Maria, our friend. Hope you feel better soon.
March 2010 Dear Lee:I am in my late fifties and have been retired for three years. For several years before I retired I dreamed of how wonderful it would be to leave the nine-to-five world forever. I was weary of my work life and really anxious to be free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My fellow workers in the company I was employed by gave me a wonderful retirement party with beautiful speeches and gifts. My two daughters flew home to share in the celebrations. They presented me with tickets to see my sister who lives in Australia. I had not expected such a fuss and was very touched by all of this. The first year of retirement was busy and I had a great time travelling to see friends and family. However, everyone has their own lives and these past few months have been far less busy; I spend a lot of time alone. I see friends once or twice weekly but otherwise I am sitting in front of the TV far too much. I am feeling depressed and bored. I am not sleeping very well and I find my nightly glass of wine has become several glasses of wine. I do not know where my fabulous dreams went but things are getting slowly but surely worse. Are other people feeling like I do after they retire? What should I do?Answer: I am sorry to hear things have been rough for you. Over the years, quite a few seniors have told me that retirement was not what they thought it would be. Many others rave about how busy they are and how well things are going. We are all different. I have been trying to put myself in your shoes so as to figure out how I would handle it. First, unless you have medical problems, getting into some regular program of exercise would likely help. Daily walks are good. Then you need to make a decision about the wine. Cutting back is a good idea. Next, you might like to make a list of things you enjoy doing. As I have mentioned before, we all need to grow so that we do not get old. Numerous organizations are desperate for volunteers – why not make a list of places you might enjoy helping out and contact them. One person in my life has been a great source of wisdom for me and I will share that with you. My late aunt Louise said that when my uncle died and she realized her life was changed forever, she knew she needed a plan. So, she chose one activity for each day of the week and out she went and got busy. Every day she had somewhere to go and things to do with other people. In no time she was feeling much better and she seemed to have more friends and invitations that anyone I knew. Last, but not least, you might consider, at least on a part-time basis, getting another job. We all need a purpose and something to look forward to in order to be happy. I hope you will consider some of these suggestions and are able to get back to thoroughly enjoying your life again. Do write and let me know.
Feb. 2010
Dear Lee: Last year I retired from teaching while my wife still does some supply teaching. I had been looking forward to retiring for ages and am really enjoying the time to follow the many interests I have. We travel more now and things are generally less stressful. However, things between my wife and I are not like they used to be when we were younger. She treats me more like a brother she’s fond of than a husband. We are always socializing with friends, we rarely do things on our own, and we seem to have run out of conversation that isn’t about the weather or the kids. I think this marriage is having a mid-life crisis. Or, are all marriages like that after so many years? How do we get out of the rut? Answer: I am glad you wrote. I get questions like yours a lot - but usually the one asking is the wife, not the husband. When we are rearing kids, have busy careers and feel lots of stress, it is can be easy to let the emphasis stray away from the romantic relationship without intending to. Marriages go through periods when we may take each other and the marriage for granted. It is like a faithful old dog which you love but don’t play with much anymore. With Valentines coming up, why don’t you make it a real celebration of your relationship. Ask your wife if she’d like some time away, just the two of you. Don’t complain about needing to feel closer, just make a real effort to court her again, get inside her head, find out what she’d like. Be romantic, be attentive, be funny, be like you were 30 years ago. Maybe book a room down in Grand Marais or even the NorWester , for the weekend. Go for walks, maybe snow-shoe, go out for dinner, put all your energy and affection into rekindling the old fires. Once you do that, instigate a date night, surprise her with little thoughtful treats, write her a poem, give her lots of compliments and positive reinforcement and generally persist in showing her your feelings. My guess is that cupid will come back in no time. Good luck. Keeping a marriage strong is a wise and wonderful investment.
Happy Valentines everyone. And, if you don’t have a significant other, celebrate who you do love - be it your kids, your friends , whomever. Buy chocolates, wine, bake sugar heart cookies, whatever… reach out. You always get when you give.
Dear Lee: I have managed, with my doctor’s help to get off two of my medications –I’ve lost weight and taken up exercise. With the flu and cold season here, I’d like to know how to treat a sore throat naturally, without the sugary throat lozenges you get at the pharmacy. I really don’t like them and was hoping to find some alternative to the relief they offer. I would welcome any suggestions you have. Answer: Bravo for your health improvements. You have every right to feel proud. As for natural sore throat remedies, personally I gargle with warm water and sea salt several times a day. Here are 2 other commonly used remedies: Apple cider vinegar is said to kill infection and calm a scratchy throat. Gargle with it straight if you can take it; otherwise, dilute it with warm water, three times daily. Another remedy I’ve heard works is honey. It too works as a natural astringent and antiseptic. Take a teaspoon every few hours and put it in some herbal tea to relieve your symptoms. My grandmother always wrapped our throats in a red, damp, warm towel. Dunno if that really worked but that method, plus lots of hugs from her, sure made us feel much better. I hope you manage to NOT to need any of these remedies this winter. Just think, 2 more months and the worst of the winter will be over. Ya!
January 2010
Dear Lee: Christmas is coming and neither of our kids are able to get home this year. One’s working in Europe for 6 months and the other has just gotten engaged and plans to spend Xmas skiing in the Rockies. We have never had a Xmas without the kids and we have no relatives locally. We are going for a vacation in February so travelling in December is out of the question. Several of our friends have said we’d be welcome to join them and we might - but we kind of feel like we’d be butting in on their family time. To us Christmas has always meant our kids coming home and now neither of us even wants to put up decorations, or buy gifts, we are in a humbug mood.
Answer: Some years ago I was giving a talk to Rotary back in NF. A man asked me this question: When do we get old? It was a question that really got me thinking. Finally I answered him that I thought we get old when we stop growing, when we fail to grab the brass ring, when we are in a rut and won’t change or try new things. So, I will apply that to the above question. I know it is depressing the first time our kids can’t come home- but their lives change and sometimes things must be done differently. If you decide not to go to friends for Xmas dinner you have many options. You could book at a local hotel and have a lovely meal there, we sometimes do that and it’s great. Or, you could cook a festive Xmas meal and invite people over and make it the celebration it is meant to be. Another idea might be to volunteer to serve dinner at the Shelter House. Every year there are students who can’t get home who would enjoy “being adopted” or there are all too many lonely seniors who would be delighted to share a meal and some companionship with you. If you contact the 55 Plus Centre and talk to Cathy or Suzanne they might be able to hook you up with a senior who needs some extra friendliness this year. Xmas can be a sad time if we don’t reach out to others and share the time with them. You will get so much more than you give if you do, and it would embody the true meaning of Xmas. So, get out the tree and all the lights and decorations and have a really special Xmas. You can do this!
To our readers
Best wishes to you and your family. I so hope you have a grand holiday and that the coming year will be full of health and laughter! May you die young at heart…even if you’re 102!
Dear Lee:My wife and I retired from teaching last year; we are enjoying the change of pace that retirement brings. We are active and involved with a number of activities with friends and family. However, since we are spending a lot more time together, I am noticing that we don’t seem to actually communicate as much as when we were younger. In the evenings we read or watch TV and frankly, the TV talks more than we do. Things are also somewhat depressed in the romance department - which used to be an important part of our relationship. I think we’re getting in a rut. We don’t laugh as much either, maybe that’s a sign. I’d like to get the zing back into things, but I’m not sure how to go about that. We’ve always had a good marriage; I love my wife – is there a way to get things back on track?
Answer: Good for you for wanting to get the zing back! It’s really important for all of us through-out the life span. We really benefit from and need the vitality and “zing” as you so aptly described it.
Perhaps the first thing to do is to re-open the lines of communication. Tell your wife how you feel and ask her if she feels the same and if she’d be willing to work with you on getting things back on track. You two could brainstorm to come up with ways to increase the meaningful communication and intimacy. There are tons of ideas out there, books about it and articles on the web. That said, I will share with you that my husband and I are known among our friends and family for having an extra special relationship. Here are some of our strategies. We talk a lot about how we feel about things, we have date nights when the rule is that we don’t discuss anything serious, just fun stuff. We still reminisce about our early days, when we met, how we felt, what if we hadn’t, all kind of topics just exclusively about us. We never double date, we make sure to have weekly time to ourselves. We try to have a get- away weekend once every couple of months when we go to Grand Marais, or Duluth or where-ever. We eat out a lot, we go for walks every night and we make each other laugh. We never go to bed mad or let hurt feelings fester. We put our relationship first over everyone. We are silly and romantic and whilst we are often spontaneous, sometimes we’ll book a romantic time if we think it’s the thing to do. We try to treat each other in a really special way, always grateful, always aware of how fortunate we are to have each other. After 30 years, we’re still smitten, so these ideas do work.
Hope these ideas work, I’m betting on a great outcome for you.
Dear Lee: I am 71, retired and single. My best friend, Cynthia, passed away this summer and I am devastated without her. I was the youngest in my family and they are all gone too. I moved here from Winnipeg when I retired six years ago and Cynthia and I did everything together. She was like a sister to me ; we shopped, went to movies and church together; we even had condos in the same building. She couldn’t drive due to late life vision problems so I was happy to provide transportation. Now I can’t seem to get back into life, I’m spending most of the time watching bad TV and rarely go out. My doctor offered me a prescription to help me through this sadness but I don’t want to get into that habit. I know it takes time to deal with a big loss but I really need some help with this. nswer: I am so sorry for your loss, it’s such a miserable thing to go through. We don’t get over people we love, we eventually get used to it… but you’re right, it takes time to adjust to their being gone.
Have you considered seeing if there is a grief support group in your church and if not, the pastor may know of one elsewhere. If you like animals, perhaps getting a little dog or a cat might appeal to you. My mother did that after my dad passed away; she found that really helped. Her dog makes her have to walk every day and she’s made good friends at the dog park. There are lots of fun courses going on this fall and places like the 55 Plus Centre and Herb Carroll have numerous programs which you could enjoy - while meeting people and making new friends. If you’re not already using a computer, it’s a fantastic thing to learn. You could go onto the the web to discover all sorts of things and enjoy reconnecting with old friends via email. Computers might seem intimidating, but I promise, it’s not hard to get the hang of things.
Thunder Bay has hundreds of volunteer opportunities for those with some time to give. Call Volunteer Thunder Bay and ask their advice – many, many agencies and programs need help and would be delighted to have you involved. In my own life, I’ve always found the fastest way to overcome sadness is to get busy and a good way to do that maybe to help others. When we moved here in 1998, we knew just two people - now we have tons of wonderful friends. It’s a warm and friendly place so, when you’re ready, reach out. I’m certain things will improve in no time. Good luck with your efforts and please, keep me posted.
Sept. 09
Dear Lee: My only daughter is moving home from Vancouver and will be doing a graduate degree at Lakehead starting this fall. She is a single mom. To help her, I offered to babysit for my granddaughter, Samantha, after school. Samantha is nine and very bright, she’s lots of fun. She is also nuts about computers and has been face-booking me for the last year. I want to be sure I am able to monitor her on-line activities -to be certain she’s safe from danger while she’s using the Internet. Can you tell me the best way to protect her?Answer: How great for you to have your family home again. You are already ahead of the game by being your granddaughter’s on-line “friend” so you can see her profile and know who else she’s interacting with on Facebook. Another good idea would be to buy a program that offers on-line monitoring. The one I know of is called McAfee Family Protection. It cost about $40. It allows you to decide what sites are OK. It blocks those that might be a problem. It also will notify you if Samantha posts personal information that shouldn’t be on her site, or if she strays into sites that aren’t wise for her to go to. Discuss this with your daughter and then perhaps you can both go over it with Samantha. A friend of mine who has teens keeps the family computer in a little area close to her kitchen. It’s a good way to be more tuned in to what the kids are doing. When Samantha is older she may lobby for more privacy-but for now, she still quite young and needs this kind of assistance. You sound like a wonderful and caring Gramma. Enjoy your time with Samantha.
June 2009
Dear Lee: After months of pain and tests, I have been diagnosed with arthritis in all my joints, especially the knees and wrists. My family doctor has referred me to a specialist - but it will be many months until I see that doctor. While arthritis runs in my family, I never really had any symptoms until Xmas time after I had surgery. Now it’s really made things hard with the stiffness and the constant pain. I am only 60 and am too young to feel this “old” and disabled. I can’t even manage my housework well. I feel like I have lost a lot of control over my health, this is very frustrating.
Answer: I truly sympathize with you. Arthritis, both osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis, can have a huge impact on the quality of our lives. Both types run in my family as well. The first place I would suggest you go is to make an appointment with Sally at the Arthritis Society office as soon as possible. They are situated over behind the Persian Man on Central. The local Arthritis Society is an amazing resource! I can’t say enough good things about them! Sally can do a physical assessment and will spend however long it takes to do education - so you can more fully understand this condition. They also can make splints for your wrists if that might help, and offer information about the most supportive footwear to wear - to best help the pain in your knees. Knowledge is power and after you see Sally, you’ll feel more control I’m sure. Other suggestions would be to lose some weight if that’s an issue; it takes pressure off your knees. Also, taking yoga is said to be helpful and exercising in water has benefits. Eating healthy with lots of natural foods certainly won’t hurt, and doing some stress management exercises has shown good results in the research I’ve read. I send you warm wishes for good outcomes.
Warning to readers: Be extra careful when you sign contracts, especially with fitness programs. I joined a big local gym with a pool some months ago, and because of medical reasons, had to stop. Despite the fact that I had been assured I could resign if I had a doctor’s note, they refused to let me out of the contract ; I was forced to pay for a full year’s monthly fees. I feel upset over the treatment I received. Beware of these types of deals, they can be misleading and slick… and costly.
Have a safe and wonderful summer. Leave the house a little less tidy and spend every moment you can out in this incredibly beautiful land of ours!
May 2009
Dear Lee I am having trouble sleeping, it’s become a problem for me in the past few months. In that time my close companion, Buster, died. He was a small poodle mix and he was 12. I am lonely without him, I miss him every day. Life isn’t so happy nowadays and I don’t really bother to go out much since Buster isn’t here. I am 72, is that too old to get another dog? My daughter says she will help me find another dog but would that be fair to the dog? Also, my arthritis is bothering me much more at night which keeps me tossing and turning. I have an appointment with my doctor but she won’t be back in town for another 7 weeks. I read your column every month so I would like your advice, and do you have pets?Answer: First, I am so sad to hear about Buster. No wonder you’re feeling less happy and it’s no surprise you miss him.
To answer your questions – yes, my husband Michael and I do indeed have a dog. He’s called Jesse, he’s 9 , very spoiled and very loving. We walk him every day in the dog park and like Buster was to you, Jesse is very special to us. I can’t imagine life without him. I think it’s a great idea to get another dog, as quickly as possible! You would be able to give it so much love and it would help you to get out and get daily exercise - which in turn would likely help with your sleeping and with your arthritis. 72 is certainly not old , so that shouldn’t be a factor in deciding to get a dog. Obviously you might be better off with a smallish dog and if it was already house-trained , it would be less stressful for you. As for your sleeping problem, I use a tea called Sleepy Time Tea when I can’t sleep. It really helps me. You can buy it at most supermarkets. It doesn’t taste fantastic, but you get used to it. Please contact me again and let me know how things are for you.
April 09
Dear Lee
My 85 year old mother called me this week with a problem. Apparently my 48 year old “baby” brother, Frank, who has been living with my mother since he divorced last year, is borrowing money from mom and has stopped paying her for room and board. His hours have been cut at the supermarket he works at and he says he is hard up for cash right now. He is on some expensive medication which is no longer covered by his insurance plan. He keeps coming back to my mother for money and giving her sob stories about being hard up - yet he finds the dollars to smoke and buy beer and have a social life. My mother is quite upset and would rather he make more effort to get his life and his finances back in order. She would also prefer he lived on his own. When she told him her feelings he got really mad; he accused her of not caring about him and wanting to throw him out when he was in a crisis. He yelled at her and called her some pretty unpleasant things. She ended up in tears. My other brother and I are going to help and we will talk with him as soon as possible. We think he must comply with what mom wants. Is what he’s doing to her elder abuse? What about if he refuses to leave? He can be really stubborn and difficult to deal with.
Answer:
I am sorry to hear your mom is experiencing this situation with your brother. It must be very stressful for her and I hope it gets resolved quickly. Elder Abuse is defined as the following: Any action or lack of appropriate action where there is the expectation of trust, that causes harm or distress to a senior. According to that definition your brother has indeed abused your mom - both financially and psychologically; it needs to stop. Your mom has tried to help him; she certainly doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. I am glad to hear you and your other brother are getting involved and going to help her. If Frank refuses to leave, your mom can call the police and they will help. I would suggest your mom gets in contact with Det. Constable Diane Maclaurin at 684-1039 if she needs to discuss this situation. Det. Constable Maclaurin is very understanding; she is the department’s crimes against seniors specialist.
Note to readers: There is an excellent conference for seniors and people who work with seniors coming up at the Victoria Inn on Monday, May 4th. The theme is all about respecting seniors and keeping them safe. Please come. If you need details call my office at 343 8563. I really hope you can join us. Tim from Janzens will be there as well to answer any questions you have about vitamins.
Also, I am really enjoying your phone calls and suggestions. Please keep it up, it’s great to hear from you!
March 09
Dear Lee
My husband of 35 years recently retired. He doesn’t have a lot of friends and says he can’t wait until I retire the end of this year so we can travel. I, too, am looking forward to that. In the meantime, he spends most of his time watching TV, with only our little dog for company. Each day he cooks supper for when I come home. Since he’s been retired he seems to worry excessively. I don’t recall him being like this before. We sat down last night to talk about it and he admitted that he too was concerned about how much more things play on his mind now. What might help him?Answer: Worrying is definitely not good for anyone. It stresses the system - which is turn affects our health in a negative way. It sounds as though he might really benefit from getting busy with some hobbies, making new friends, or doing some volunteer work. Are there things he might enjoy like wood work, crib or chess or some other card games, or learning new things on the computer? 55 Plus is a terrific place to meet new people and to get involved in activities. Many agencies around town are desperate for volunteers, and would be so grateful for his time. If he’s keen on animals, for instance, what about giving some time to the Humane Society? As for the specific problem of his worrying – it might help if he writes down his worries. Then he could rate the severity of them on a ten point scale. Anything less than a five gets a line drawn through it, it’s not worth the stress. Any worries over five need a plan of action. Make that plan. If a worry is one completely out of his control then it’s a good idea to offer it up in a prayer for a solution. I pretend to put my totally unsolvable worries in a balloon and let them float on up to the heavens. I let them go. I also pick a time to worry, I allow 10 minutes a day, usually after supper. If I haven’t resolved it somehow within that set ten minutes, I put it on hold for the next day. If I don’t get back to it the following day, that’s good. The important thing is to allow yourself a specific time, use a plan, and then not allow the worry to take over. Hope this helps.
February 09
Dear Lee: I have 2 questions if that’s ok. First, I’d like to know if you’ve ever heard of this problem. Every time I take a B complex vitamin pill, or a multi-vitamin pill, I develop painful cancer sores within a few days. I’ve tried different brands but it’s always the same. My doctor has said I should take at least the B complex but the cancer sores make that impossible. Have you got any suggestions?
Question number 2 is about Valentines Day. I like a certain gentleman at the 55 Plus Centre. We’ve had lunch there a couple of times. I really like him and was wondering, since he’s quite shy, if it would seem pushy for me to ask him if we could get together on the 14th. We’ve been friendly for some months now and I would like to get to know him better and see him away from the centre, however, I don’t want to risk his friendship. We are both widowed and while I’m not interested in remarrying, I would like a closer relationship with him.
Answers: I am pleased to answer both your questions. The issue of developing cancer sores from vitamins is a problem I too have experienced, as has my mother. It sure isn’t much fun. Happily, I think I can offer you a solution. There is an extremely knowledgeable young man who is a Nutritional Health Specialist working at a locally owned pharmacy who was able to solve the problem for me. I heard him speak at a health fair and was very impressed with his expertise about supplements. He recommended a brand name of vitamins which he felt sure wouldn’t give me cancer sores - so I took a chance –with his promise to refund my money if they caused cancer sores. After 10 years of not being able to take vitamins, it’s no longer an issue. Both my mother and I have been cancer sore free on the brand he suggested. Why not go talk to him. His name is Tim Liscomb. His email is tim@ janzens.ca. His number is 345 1191. He really understands supplements and can offer excellent advice. Let me know how it works out.
As to your second question – why not ask the gentleman you like to your home for a valentines meal or out for coffee and dessert at a restaurant. The worst that can happen is he’ll say no… but if he agrees, you’ll be gently taking the friendship a little step further, which is a good thing. Go for it! The days are gone when only men can do the asking.
January 09
Dear Lee:I am 69 years young and my husband is 70. We both need to shed some extra weight. Every year after the holidays we start a diet and every year we last a few weeks, then we fail. It is discouraging. We don’t exercise, though we mean to. We are reasonably healthy but both of us have higher than normal cholesterol levels and I am on a pill for my blood pressure. Can you think of ANY way to get the diet thing to finally click and have us stick to it? Answer: In a couple of words, stop dieting. Never diet again. It usually doesn’t work long term for most folks anyway, or if they manage to get rid of the weight, it can gradually come back. So many of us feel guilty about diet failures and that’s no fun and not a good way to feel. It would be much better for you and your husband to commit to making some lifestyle changes that will become a new, better way of doing things. The most important step, excuse the pun, would be to start exercising. Why not walk! You don’t need an expensive gym membership to walk. A good brisk walk for a minimum of 30 minutes each day is all it takes to get healthier. On days when the weather is too bad you could drive to the university Hanger and walk there, it’s a great place and not expensive. Or, walk in the mall before it opens for shopping, or buy a treadmill. (I use my treadmill 5 days a week and am addicted to it.) Within a few weeks you’ll start to really feel fitter. Along with the exercise, cut out fatty foods and sweets, eat smaller portions, cut back on the bread and have lots of veggies, fruits, whole grains, lean protein and legumes. The weight won’t vanish over night, but slowly and surely with walking and healthier eating habits, you will definitely see a change for the better. Let me know how you make out.Quote for Jan.
If we are going to do anything significant with life we sometimes have to move away from it…beyond the usual measurements. We must occasionally follow visions and dreams.
…Bede Jarrett
Dec. issue
Dear Lee: My husband and I retired this year and with the economy as tough as it is, we are going to have to cut back on Christmas spending quite significantly. We have four kids with spouses and nine grandkids that we have always been happy to splurge on. We don’t want to look like Grinch’s but things are tight financially. We realize that Christmas is not just about gifts but it has always been a joy to find them special things, in addition to spending quality time together. My husband says just put it on the credit card and we’ll pay it off over the year but I don’t agree. Have you got any ideas about how to solve this dilemma?Answer: Things are going to be a lot different this year for most of us during this economic crisis. It is impossible to predict how long things will take before the situation improves. I suspect most of us will choose to cut back and spend less. Buying presents on credit is a tad too risky right now. It might be a good idea to talk with your kids and explain that you are going to reset your spending limits. Figure out how much you can actually afford to spend and stick to your budget. It is not the size of the gift that counts but the thought and caring that goes into choosing it. There can be as much joy in giving a single rose as it is to give a dozen hot house roses –especially if you spend some time writing a little verse to go with it or add a gag gift or some cookies or a magazine. Gifts given with love are always special gifts. One family I know of is adopting a family in need this year, instead of buying presents for each other. Someone else I know is making all her gifts this year – she’s making pots of jam and knitting mitts. (I’d like to be on her list.) Another dear friend of mine buys me small treats from the second hand store and puts them in a pretty basket. She wraps them in fun ways and writes verses on each little package with a clue as to what’s inside; I have to make guesses before I open them. l confess her gifts are my favorite by far – she makes me feel so cared about. I hope we can all put the true meaning of Christmas into our lives this year.To all the readers:
May your Christmas be joyful. I so hope 2009 will bring you lots of laughter and good health.
Quote:
I was dirt poor, blind, you name it. Yet here I am today.
…Ray Charles
Dear Lee: I am 68 and recently widowed - this will be my first Christmas without my husband, Jim. Every year my three children and their families come here for Christmas dinner. It has always been a special tradition for our family but truthfully it is a lot of work to manage on your own. I feel overwhelmed but don’t want to say no. I hate to disappoint everyone but I am worried it’s too much for me to cope with right now. I keep reassuring the kids that I’m fine but things seem worse at times than they were first when Jim passed away. How might I handle this without letting the family down?
Answer: It is really tough to adjust to such a huge loss. Grieving is hard on our systems so it is important to look after yourself, try to keep things simple. Be gentle with yourself and extra mind-full of not over-doing. Your family’s main concern is your welfare and I am sure they won’t mind doing things a little differently this year. It is being together that counts. You could all go to a restaurant and come home for dessert for your get together. Or, you could do things pot luck style and give everyone the job of bringing a dish or two. If you cooked the turkey your family could provide everything else. Or, your kids could start taking turns playing host to Christmas dinner . That way you would all be together without the extra stress on you. Whatever you decide, I hope your memories of the past will bring you happiness and peace this year and every year to come.
Quote of the month:
Do whatever your heart leads you to do…but do it.
…Truman X. Jones
October 2008 Issue
Dear Lee
I am an eighty two year old woman, I am in good health and have a sound mind. Every September I spend a month with my son and daughter-in-law. I enjoy this time but have one issue I’d like your input about. My daughter-in-law Carol treats me as if I am very old and frail and I’m not. I manage my own affairs, drive my car and am pretty spry. Carol often holds my arm when I get up to walk, She sometimes talks to me loudly - as if I was hard of hearing and at every meal she cuts up my meat for me before she serves it. It is driving me crazy. I love her like a daughter but am becoming increasingly frustrated by her treating me as if I was helpless. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but it’s hard to deal with.
Answer: I am sure Carol means well but she appears to be one of those folks who has bought into the myth that once you get to a certain age you need to be helped as if you were a child. Being treated like a child isn’t much fun and is clearly bothering you. Perhaps you could have a conversation with her where you reassure her that you love her, don’t want to hurt her feelings because she’s clearly a kind soul, but that the fact that she’s helping you so much is making you feel like you’re losing it. It is obvious that since Carol, along with some other folks, think of older people as limited in their capabilities, you need to gently but firmly educate her about how important it is to you that she treat you as any other adult who is functioning perfectly independently. It may be that Carol’s previous experience with seniors may have been with much frailer people than you are. The bonus in all this is that you are blessed with such good health and vigor. …Lee
October 19th. is provincial Elder Abuse Awareness Day and we’re hoping folks will light a candle at the supper table that night to celebrate how important seniors are to us and how we need to keep them safe.
Quote of the Month
There is only one of you. God wanted you to be you. Don’t you dare change just because you are outnumbered! …Charles Swindoll
September 2008 Issue
Dear Lee: My husband of 39 years retired a few months ago from a very demanding career in the medical field. I myself retired several years ago and have lots of activities to keep me busy. In the beginning, my husband just needed a good break and to get used to being at home. Now I am really concerned that he’s depressed because he watches way too much TV and has lost a lot of enthusiasm for daily living. He used to be such a busy, “workaholic” sort. Any suggestions you could offer would be most welcome.
Answer: I’ve had several people talk to me about this issue. Retirement can be a difficult transition for some. I suspect your husband is finding that he has a lot of extra time on his hands and could be feeling overwhelmed. In order to feel happy all of us need 3 things in life. We need someone to love, something to do and something to look forward to. While your husband has the first one, he may be struggling with the other two. It might be an idea for to get a good check-up-just to make sure he’s physically well. Then, you might have a good talk about where he wants to go in life. He must have many skills and could be a huge help to numerous community programs and agencies looking for volunteers. Perhaps he could contact Volunteer Thunder Bay and ask for some ideas. The 55 Plus Centres offer many programs. The key has lists of numerous courses being offered. If you don’t already do so, a daily walk with you both could be fun and healthy and perhaps you could plan some other activities for you to do as a couple. Retirement can be the best time in life – as long as you are feeling happy and fulfilled. In order to feel that way it is important to be busy and involved and mixing with people. Let me know how things go.
Quote of the Month:
Life is too short and too wonderful to waste time doing things you really don’t want to be doing.
…Bruce Isaacs
June 2008 Issue
Elder Abuse is any act, or lack of appropriate action occurring in any relationship where there is the expectation of trust that causes harm or distress to any older person. 5 % of seniors suffer some form of abuse every year. That means over 800 Thunder Bay seniors are experiencing abuse. Most abuse is from family members and the majority of elder abuse is not reported.
Please note: June 15th is World Elder Abuse Awareness Day. The Elder Abuse Strategy, the local police and the Elder Abuse Prevention Committee will be in the Intercity Mall on Saturday, June 14th. to offer tips to seniors about keeping safe from abuse. Please drop by for a chat. See you there!
Dear Lee: I have recently been widowed; I live in my own home and look after my own finances. Since my husband passed away 4 months ago my son and his new wife have been coming to see me a lot - to check that I’m OK. Twice now they have borrowed five hundred dollars from me and have not yet paid me back. I haven’t told my two daughters who live in Toronto that he borrowed money, as I don’t want to start a family row over it. What should I do? I have decided I will not be lending him any more money in the future.
Answer: You might want to discuss with your son a plan as to when and how he’ll be repaying what he borrowed. It’s a good idea to always have a repayment plan and an informal contract in writing as to when money will be repayed with anyone you lend your money to. None of us can go to a bank and borrow money without a formal payback schedule so it’s not unreasonable to do the same with family members - should you make a decision to lend them money.
May 2008 Issue
Dear Lee: I’m 68 and have just found out I have elevated blood pressure. I hope to get it down to normal by exercise and diet - I don’t tolerate medications easily. I have a lot of allergies and would prefer to deal with the hypertension as naturally as possible. The nurse practioner has suggested I see a nutritionist and to eat a diet with plenty of potassium and magnesium while staying away from processed foods which tend to have too much sodium. What foods are good sources of potassium and magnesium? Thank-you.
Answer: Many people have been able to get blood pressure under control with diet and exercise, good luck with that. Foods high in magnesium would include: dried apricots, many cereals, fish, nuts, green vegetables and whole wheat (including wheat bran and wheat germ) Foods containing potassium include the following: fruits (especially when dried) apricots, bananas, cantaloupe, figs, grapes, peaches and plums. Seeds –pumpkin and squash. Nuts – almonds, peanuts and soybeans. Vegetables – avocados, beets and beet greens, lima beans, potatoes, spinach, squash, swiss chard and tomatoes. Wheat bran, wheat germ, brewers yeast and skim milk are good choices as well.
May 2008 Issue
Dear Lee: My husband just turned 60 and is in a high stress job. He comes home lately looking really weary and he’s lost his sense of humour. I don’t want to nag him but I want to help him if possible. What should he be doing about the stress? His dad had heart troubles at an early age so I’m nervous he will too. He’s gained a little weight around his middle but is otherwise healthy.
Answer: You might start by asking him if you can book him a full medical check-up with your family doctor. That way the physician can eliminate anything that might be a problem. Why not try cooking a bit lower fat and maybe reducing the portions ever so slightly to target the tummy weight. Another idea might be get into a routine where you go on a nightly walk together. He’s much more likely to go if he’s got you for company. As for his humour, he’s likely too tired to feel funny but the exercise may help. It may be good, too, to rent funny movies or watch the comedy channel more often - just to try and lift his spirits in a subtle way. Reassure him of your love and support and keep as upbeat as possible and hopefully things will improve.
Dear Lee: My husband just turned 60 and is in a high stress job. He comes home lately looking really weary and he’s lost his sense of humour. I don’t want to nag him but I want to help him if possible. What should he be doing about the stress? His dad had heart troubles at an early age so I’m nervous he will too. He’s gained a little weight around his middle but is otherwise healthy.Answer: You might start by asking him if you can book him a full medical check-up with your family doctor. That way the physician can eliminate anything that might be a problem. Why not try cooking a bit lower fat and maybe reducing the portions ever so slightly to target the tummy weight. Another idea might be get into a routine where you go on a nightly walk together. He’s much more likely to go if he’s got you for company. As for his humour, he’s likely too tired to feel funny but the exercise may help. It may be good, too, to rent funny movies or watch the comedy channel more often - just to try and lift his spirits in a subtle way. Reassure him of your love and support and keep as upbeat as possible and hopefully things will improve.
March 2008 Issue
Dear Lee: We never seem to eat as healthy as we should. I know you need lots of fruits and veggies but they end up in the garbage more than we eat them. We have some favourites but it seems to be mostly meat and potatoes type of meals that we actually eat. We are desperate for some ideas as to how to change our diet to include fruits and veggies.
Answer: When I read your question it immediately reminded me of how my husband and I used to eat, we had a few staple meals and rarely got enough fruits and veggies until we decided to change our habits. We’re still not perfect but we have improved a lot. We were inspired to change from watching an Oprah show with a doctor Oz who really encourages healthy eating. To get more fruit we have smoothies every morning. Just pop several kinds of fruit in the blender – we like a pear, blueberries and a banana, put in a ½ - 1 cup of yogurt and add a tin of club soda or juice of your choice and blend for a couple of minutes and voila, here’s the fruit you need. Add a slice of w/w toast or cereal and you have a very nutritious breakfast. Before our supper we now drink our salad as well from a Dr.Oz recipe. Again, using your blender, put in a couple of small handfulls of baby spinach, a stalk or two of celery, a cut up green apple, some parsley, some fresh slices of ginger and the juice of a lemon. Add orange or grapefruit juice, about 1 cup and you have your “salad” in a glass. Then steam or stir fry a veggie or two with your main meal and you’ve improved your veggie and fruit ratio by a fair bit. It’s a bit unconventional but it works. Hope this helps.
Lee Stones is the regional consultant for the Ontario Strategy to Combat Elder Abuse. She has written advice columns for senior publications for over 15 years.
0 comments
Kick things off by filling out the form below.
Leave a Comment